Daydream

Daydreams are perhaps sweetest dreams,
Between words,
Reality,
And actuality,
Lies a plane,
Outside sane,
Where fantasy rules,
And all are fools,
Lost in the murky haze,
Of imagination craze.

Leave my vessel,
Go to nestle,
Inhibitions, laid aside,
I cannot hide,
From the language of this dream.

It seems,
I am stripped naked,
And you are there,
I bare,
Myself before you,
To the waist,
Let you taste,
All the fruit I have to offer.

Feed on my soul,
I will not hold,
Back from your touch,
Nor arms length from your gaze,
I would raise,
Us both to any height,
For just one night
Of the sight,
Of you laying softly,
Never lofty,
Beside me,
In my arms.

One night unrestrained,
All desire untamed,
Where I would take you,
Make you,
Mine—
In an embrace,
Outside time,
Outside place,
You need not hesitate,
I will not harm you,
Or alarm you,
Merely leave you shaking,
No need for faking,
In the moment that we spend,
In the end,
Wrapped within the paper,
Pressed within the pages of my daydream.

I cannot go there--
I cannot eddy in that whirling, conflicted pool
I feel the undertow
Trying to suck me under--
The madness, the negativity makes me ill.

I feel it in my limbs.
My sunshine seems to disappear--
I am lost in shadow
My lower arms tingle with numbness,
Sometimes I can't feel my feet.

My head aches,
It seems a spear is being driven,
Driven into the side of my head
But I will not submit,
I will not surrender in the face of the blinding pain.

I refuse to let this destroy me.
I refuse to become something ugly and hateful
I refuse to succumb to disease
I refuse to be inconsequential
I refuse to be ignored.

In the face of adversity
I grow greater,
Stronger
For whatever fight
Should lie ahead.

Sonnet 9

You say, "I can't believe the way we fit."
It is inexplicable, the way the curves of our flesh seem to meld as one--
That we belong this way--is clearly it.
Wherever I lay my head we seem to melt into some--
Shape, I cannot explain but--"It just feels right."
I nestle my head against your chest, into the shadow of your collar bone
Merging, one warm body in the early night.
Wrapped in this embrace, I am never alone.
Submerged, a tangle of intertwined limbs and body
Hips that ache and yearn, a contrast in the fading light
Lost in ecstasy, slightly naughty--
Cannot help but to want you, bathed in twlight
I count the days, track the minutes
Until I join you again, deep within it.

Sonnet 8

Lately, my nights have been dark, sometimes almost too dark to see beyond this one--
In those moments--it is your voice that is my beacon in that seeming endlessness--
I long for you, turning like a flower towards the sun.
Sometimes I fancy myself completely alone, trapped in friendlessness.
You remind me, remind me, there are cares beyond mine
Echoes, tears and aches in the universe I cannot fathom
Somehow this does not pain me but reminds me, that I am fine
My own terror, nameless fears are not a yawning chasm.
You are a mirror of that which frightens me, yet you do not succumb to fear
I find you uncompromising and realize I admire you, wish to be worthy of your attention
My flesh trembles inside the silken shadows, desire you here
That I dream of you, even awake, I scarcely mention.
Every time we speak, every second you are in my life
Those are the times, the moments free of strife.

Sonnet 7

I long to be your shelter from the storm
Although this world is cold,
My love will serve to keep you warm.
If you are young, then I am old
But every poet needs a muse
I am still the maiden to your hunter
Your loving heart, I won’t abuse
I the Goddess to your sun, your punter
When the heat of living is too much
I am the vengeful crone
I will smite any who say such--
As to make you sad, you’re not alone.
My words feel inspired,
In writer’s block I’m no longer mired.

Sonnet 6

I long for you
An almost tangible ache
Do you dream of me too?
Love like this is no mistake.
My body, my heart yearns
I am counting the seconds 'til I can lay in your arms
Slowly, slowly the time turns
This seduction continues, I yield to your charms
Desire so potent it burns.
Visions of nights writhing with passion
My thoughts indecent when I feign purity
To cure this itch I'll need compassion
Just so that you can guarantee--
A place in time
Where bodies align.

This is no longer a sonnet,
Do not vomit
But this poem is lame (LOL)

Sonnet 5

Trapped by my own shadow in twilight
My heart is a maze of confusions
Your voice, your words, lead me back to light
Surrender the burdens of these contusions.
This shade hangs on me, cruel spectre
Haunted by a past I would relinquish,
Never wanted life to take this vector
Only your presence helps me vanquish
All that haunts me in my soul--
I long for the freedom brought by your fingers,
Value each of these seconds that we stole.
Once the sheets cool, your presence lingers.
Wrapped in my own chains,
The “We” is all that remains.

Heartbreak, Heartmend

Pondering past problems
In pursuit of new solutions.
Thought I had gone and buried them
Deep in a safe place
But they were hiding in my very cells
Making me sore and ill
And I didn't even know
Except in nightmares
That left me shaking
Wracked by blinding migraine pain.

My spine ached
Pain travelling from the base
To the crown
I stretched and contorted
I saw doctors to no avail
But they found nothing
And I could not shake the pain.
Only yesterday--
Beneath the hands of a masseuse,
Did things suddenly become clear.

I lay on my side
His hands explored along my spine
When his fingertips found the area behind my heart,
Something released.
I pressed my eyes shut tightly
To keep the tears from squeezing out the corners.
In that moment, I knew
My heart was broken.

This revelation was a blessing.
Suddenly, I knew why I hurt so bad
Strangely,
It was a great relief.
Slowly muscles throughout my body relaxed
The congestion in my lungs broke up.
I could breath again
Deep, free breaths.

I cried more on the way home
The deluge of sadness
A profound respite
From the pain I could not define.
The realization of my heartbreak
Was a liberation
Heartbreak
To gradual mend.

"Love" in a Vaccum

I feel a rant coming on--

You told me you loved me
So when I got "sick"
You showed me you "cared" by vaccuming.
You were a damn good vaccumer
Very thorough--
I felt guilty because I was too ill to help.

I grew stronger as time passed.
I wanted to return your love so I vaccumed.
I was tired the next day.
You were angry--
It was my fault I was sick,
I dared to vaccum and I brought this on myself.
You forbade me to vaccum.

More time passed--
I vaccumed again.
I emptied the vaccum
But I "Did it wrong"
And left you a mess.
Out of "love"
You cleaned it up.
Again, you forbade me to vaccum.

I vaccumed again.
I was sick the next day.
Later, I wanted to vaccum again but the vaccum was full--
I asked how to empty it and you told me,
"You are not allowed to vaccum.
I will not teach you to empty the vaccum,
Then you won't be able to.
I'll do it for you, don't worry baby.
Save your energy to do nice things for yourself."

I saved energy by not vaccuming.
I went to yoga.
I wrote part of a book.
I painted a picture.
I had lunch with my sister.
I celebrated me just like you told me to.
I felt good about me.
I was happy.

You got angry.
"If you have so much energy,
Maybe you could help out more."

"Ok, how do I empty the vaccum?"

"Oh, it's not the vaccuming--
I didn't take it over so you could go to yoga.
I clean so you will have more energy."

"Great, then you don't mind if I go to yoga?"

"Well, it's ok if you plan one or two of your own activities but only if you save some energy to do things with me."

"Ok, so you resent my free time?"
I can do more around here.
You should have fun too."

"No, I don't mind doing this.
I want to help you.
I want to show you that I care.
Let me help you."

"Ok, are you sure you don't need my help?"

"No, I'm good."

"What do you want to do today?"

"Oh, I kinda planned my own day while you were sleeping."

"You did? I thought you wanted to hang out."

"You slept too long."

"I thought you wanted me to take care of myself."

"I do but you slept until 10:00."

"I'm sorry. I'm ready to hang out now. Just tell me when you are ready. I'll just hang around."

"Oh, you should just go to yoga or take a walk with your sister."

"Yeah, but I want to hang out with you."

"I think I'll just do my own thing--"

I can still sense the depth of your love. It is like an ocean that I almost drowned in.

Sonnet 4

I long for the brush of your soft lips
Crave your sweet caresses on my body
Love the feel of your hips
In the darkness pressed to mine, naughty.
In your embrace I am mindless
I can scarcely breath
The extent of my passion boundless
In your eyes I perceive
A mirror of my own recklessness.
The recklessness of love unrestrained
Caution thrown to the wind
There is nothing I would change
There is nothing to rescind
I count the minutes ‘til we meet again
Sweetest of lovers, dearest friend.

Sonnet 3

You are a cool drink in the hot desert of my existence
An oasis on this barren plane
Pray you are not a mirage to this insistence
You are an anchor that keeps me sane.
I am a poor listener but I hear you when I hear nothing outside
Something in your voice assures me that you speak a truth I need to recognize
Your gentle advice assures me and warms me inside
Somehow what you tell me daily helps me realize--
I am ready to change, I just needed reminding
Now I step back and see me for the first time
I need to recall that they'll be no rewinding
This personal metamorphosis is sublime.
You are a cool drink in the desert of my existence
Now I surrender to your kisses insistence.

Sweetness Sonnet

You fill me with warmth and sweetness
The soft caress of your words a palpable stimuli
I am soothed by your openness
My heart soars, I will not lie.
Your kiss a gentle, insistent need
My heart races and my body responds
To ask too much would be unreasonable greed
I let my mind go, dreaming on
You are my light in the darkness
My summer afternoon on a cold windy day
I surrender at the insistence
Of your aching touch, words cannot say
This emotion too strong
Consumes my soul with gentle song.

Sonnet in the Dark

Your breath, a ragged contrast to the darkness
Aching limbs, longing cries escape my lips
Our bodies locked in acts of tenderness
Your movements careful against my eager hips
An understanding beyond body and mind
I allow you to possess
Wrapped in your arms I find--
Almost mindless in sweet caress
I want this second to extend
Long for timelessness
Before your naked eyes, I can't pretend
These feelings boundless
I nearly drown in the pool of your love
Were you the one I was dreaming of?

Not a Martyr

I never wanted Martyrdom—
Yet in my mind's eye I catch flashes of myself
Stretched out taut,
Spread-Eagle,
Broken and Bloody
My palms lacerated.

My spine is arched at an odd angle
As crooked as I feel—
Nothing seems quite right
I long to heal this
This thing that makes me ugly and hateful
This raging demon that seems beyond my control

I realize that control is the illusion
But I still grasp at threads.
Seared with a piercing longing
A longing that somehow this will pass
That if I can just endure some more
I will be whole and peaceful at last.

Words are not sufficient
To describe this thing
This complete suffocation
Of my every attempt to breathe a clear breath
The agony is like the contractions of Blake’s “Job”
Or Graham’s helpless contortions

The expansion is the tension
Joy bubbling below the surface
But stifled by adversity
The contractions are reactions to external blows
How much can one human being endure?
I am at the end of my tether.

Must I always be strong?
Must I always fight not just the battles--
But the very war alone?
I pray on shaking knees
But there is nothing
No one to listen

I howl in the darkness
But there is none to answer my piercing cry
I am akin
To the cat who walks alone
My hunting ground silent
Except for the pad of my stealthy paws

My claws react
My ears perk to every sound
In the silence and darkness
Where I dwell
I hunt alone
But the prey is ever-elusive.

Synergy

You said to me,
"If you could only see yourself through my eyes."

The thing is--
I can.

I never believed it
But one person can change your world.

One moment of complete understanding
Can change your life.

You helped me see
What I really I am.

I was beautiful,
Magnificent.

For the first time I began to believe
I was not something hideous and wrong.

My self-hatred melted.
My sun began to shine.

I stopped seeing myself
Deformed and worthless.

I was not a drain
I had something to offer.

You changed how I looked at myself
And that changed me.

Synergy--
I am becoming.

My wings have sprouted.
I leave the nest far behind.

I leave my pain, heartache and sorrow
To become what I was born to be.

My fear too has melted
Everything feels effortless now.

Why could I never see myself before?
Why did I waste so much time in fear and self-loathing?

I want to remember this feeling for eternity.
I always want to remember who I really am.

Synergy
I have become--

I'm not Promising the Moon

The quiet, cool of city streets,
A deep January night.
Pavement crawls away beneath my feet,
As the soles of worn shoes
Tap out the beat,
Of the music playing softly in my soul.
I close my eyes,
Feel the movement of gently rushing air,
Lift me up on pointed toes as though to fly--
And I sigh,
As my body sways to the sound,
Of the growing crescendo
Rising off the silent ground.
Pale and lovely,
the full moon, cracks her smile,
Before I have trudged another mile--
I feel her sweet breath on my neck,
And the way she calls my heart,
Makes me start--
To let the tiny jewels of tears,
Condensed behind my eyes release,
A storm of blue that unfolds--
Unabating 'til the deluge is spent,
And all the tatters of my dreams are rent.

Lost in Blue

Edges blurry,
Softly silent,
Like sweet, spring snow.
Yielding,
Opening slowly, petal by petal,
Unfolding willingly and full as a rose

No need for binding,
Safe and guarded in the enfolding arms of nemesis.
The bluish womb of a chameleon,
Who does not judge,
Because we are one.
Intertwined for both warmth and comfort.

Downy skin where I can nestle—
Deep in peace,
Equality,
Without oppression.
Time shared,
Spanning—

Spanning an instant,
Spanning an eternity.
The length of the second unimportant—
All that is relevant,
Is being together.
No need for binding,

Bound only by mutual desire,
Beneath the lovely cloak of blackness and interlocking shadow
That neither sees nor judges,
Only allows us a tighter embrace,
A fiercer ecstasy.

I want to lose myself to you entirely,
Bury my face in your hair,
Smell its fragrance,
Feel its silkiness on my bare cheek.
The damp moisture of skin on skin,
Maybe we nibble at each other,
Sucking up the taste,

A little salty, touched with a hint of floral sugariness.
Far outside thought,
Lost in sensual union,
Where future and the world outside you and I fall away
And we are left alone in a knot of limbs and sheets.