Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"Love" in a Vaccum

I feel a rant coming on--

You told me you loved me
So when I got "sick"
You showed me you "cared" by vaccuming.
You were a damn good vaccumer
Very thorough--
I felt guilty because I was too ill to help.

I grew stronger as time passed.
I wanted to return your love so I vaccumed.
I was tired the next day.
You were angry--
It was my fault I was sick,
I dared to vaccum and I brought this on myself.
You forbade me to vaccum.

More time passed--
I vaccumed again.
I emptied the vaccum
But I "Did it wrong"
And left you a mess.
Out of "love"
You cleaned it up.
Again, you forbade me to vaccum.

I vaccumed again.
I was sick the next day.
Later, I wanted to vaccum again but the vaccum was full--
I asked how to empty it and you told me,
"You are not allowed to vaccum.
I will not teach you to empty the vaccum,
Then you won't be able to.
I'll do it for you, don't worry baby.
Save your energy to do nice things for yourself."

I saved energy by not vaccuming.
I went to yoga.
I wrote part of a book.
I painted a picture.
I had lunch with my sister.
I celebrated me just like you told me to.
I felt good about me.
I was happy.

You got angry.
"If you have so much energy,
Maybe you could help out more."

"Ok, how do I empty the vaccum?"

"Oh, it's not the vaccuming--
I didn't take it over so you could go to yoga.
I clean so you will have more energy."

"Great, then you don't mind if I go to yoga?"

"Well, it's ok if you plan one or two of your own activities but only if you save some energy to do things with me."

"Ok, so you resent my free time?"
I can do more around here.
You should have fun too."

"No, I don't mind doing this.
I want to help you.
I want to show you that I care.
Let me help you."

"Ok, are you sure you don't need my help?"

"No, I'm good."

"What do you want to do today?"

"Oh, I kinda planned my own day while you were sleeping."

"You did? I thought you wanted to hang out."

"You slept too long."

"I thought you wanted me to take care of myself."

"I do but you slept until 10:00."

"I'm sorry. I'm ready to hang out now. Just tell me when you are ready. I'll just hang around."

"Oh, you should just go to yoga or take a walk with your sister."

"Yeah, but I want to hang out with you."

"I think I'll just do my own thing--"

I can still sense the depth of your love. It is like an ocean that I almost drowned in.


  1. This is powerful stuff, Nadja. Do you mind if I share it next week in the Carnival? I know that it's really personal, but I think that others could relate.

  2. I like this. I would like it a tiny bit more if it started with "You told me you loved me" ;)